It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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