Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
