Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
