I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Randomize
