you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
