Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
