I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
