He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Drunk is a universal language darling
false alarm, still single
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
