If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i've created a new STD.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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