we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
