I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
