I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
