how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
