I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
