i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
