I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
