the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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