just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
