That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
