She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
