Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
