Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
