is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
