On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
