after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
