I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dicks are not precious.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize