its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
