I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
