quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
