hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
