life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He? As in you personified your dick?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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