trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
