were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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