dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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