so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
