You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
