he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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