I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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