dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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