i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
