remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
