he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
