and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You are the jesus of drinking
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
