sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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