he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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