She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
