i think my tv is drunk
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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