3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
