Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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