I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
