Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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