You don't have asthma, your pregnant
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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