i was born a porn star she said
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
